Being married is one of the most beautiful things in life (if you married the right person, that is). Marriage is an institution created by God to give both man and woman a helper and life-long companion [see Genesis 2:18 ]; God knew that it is "not good for man to be alone". It is no surprise that, having created marriage, God gave man instructions outlining how to successfully navigate it and work at it. Everything we need to know to have a successful marriage is written in the Bible. As the creator of marriage, and the supreme author and expression of love, if there's someone that knows how to sustain a relationship... is God. Trust me, He has years of experience 😁
Yes my awesome friend, marriage is work. Marriage is an investment and, as a friend of mine used to tell me, in life and in marriage "you get out what you put in". There are many key components outlined in the Bible for you to have a successful marriage, but in this post we'll discuss just 3 of those...
Selfless love
Companionship enjoyment
Intimate commitment
Point #3 has to do with sexual commitment but no worries, we'll keep the conversation appropriate for all audiences. In short, and as we'll come to see, being intimately committed to your spouse is extremely important for a healthy relationship. I picked these 3 because aside from being very (VERY) important qualities a marriage needs to have, a quick internet search will come to show that the vast majority of the most common reasons for divorce relate to 1 or more of these 3 components. This is not a coincidence, God knew what needs to happen in a marriage, in a relationship, for it to succeed... and he gave us the "marriage 101" guidelines decades and centuries ago.
NOTE: Keep in mind that this post is mainly addressed to people who are already married. There are Biblical guidances and warnings for those who have not yet taking the step of marriage but we'll leave those for another post. For now... let's talk marriage. Feel free to take a look at the video below which is a summary in what we discuss in this post, or if you're more or a reading person, feel free to skip the video and continue with the read :)
Marriage Stats
A quick internet search on divorce rates will come to show two terrible facts: (1) marriages are becoming less common, and (2) divorce rates are very high. Bets are that you've seen, heard, or been part of a conversation where marriage is brought up and jokes are made stating that marriage is terrible and nobody should go through with it. Speaking on a society-scale, and in my own opinion, I would bet that the bigger population percentage does not believe or value the institution of marriage. Living together without being married seems to be the popular choice.
According to a Family Attorneys' website [1], these were some of the divorce statistics in the U.S for the year 2020:
Almost 50% of all marriages in the U.S would end in divorce/separation
41% of all first marriages would end in divorce
U.S has the 6th highest divorce rate in the world
Every 13 seconds, there's a divorce in America... which means that while you watch a typical 2-hour movie, about 554 couples signed to get a divorce.
Again, all these stats were obtained from [1]; but if you search in your browser, you'll be able to quickly validate these stats from other sites. The questions that come to my mind after reading such statements are: "what is happening?" and " what went wrong?". We've all seen and known couples that made it their entire lives together and called the experience a delight. Most of us enjoy the typical romantic movie where at the end the characters end-up together for life... so clearly the idea of life-long love is desirable. Those images look so right in our minds and we know that 'marriage' is that vehicle that bonds two people together for life, yet, we see that something is failing. What is?
Looking at the most frequent causes for divorce we find: lack of commitment, sexual infidelity, unrealistic expectations, violence / abuse, lack of attraction, married at an early age... among others. As the life guide/manual by Him who created everything, including marriage, I believe the Bible has the information and 'instructions' marriages need in order to avoid falling pray to any of those circumstances. From pre to post-marriage, the Bible serves as a frame listing the "do's and dont's" for the two people involved in a marriage. In this post we'll discuss 3 of them.
...wait! Before we move on, there's something we need to state. Being in a marriage is a decision that needs to be taken everyday. Is a commitment that we voluntarily enter into and spouses need to, everyday, chose to be committed. All the guidelines and success advices for marriage in the world will be worth nothing unless each individual person choses to stay and work in the marriage. That being said, now we can discuss 3 bible teachings for a successful marriage.
-----------------------------
Teaching #1: A marriage needs selfless love
I absolutely need to warn you, to embrace this teaching there's something you need to understand which is very hard for many to do. The thing you need to understand is that IT IS NOT ABOUT YOU. As harsh as it sounds, as straight up as it sounds... it's just the reality. I am yet to meet a solid marriage in which both spouses were 'doing their own thing'. Such a situation would be a roommate agreement, not a marriage. Let's look at some Bible verses and round back to this line of thought... The Bible says:
"So husbands ought to love their own wives as their own bodies; he who loves his wife loves himself. For no one ever hated his own flesh, but nourishes and cherishes it, just as the Lord does the church. For we are members of His body, of His flesh and of His bones. “For this reason a man shall leave his father and mother and be joined to his wife, and the two shall become one flesh.”..." - Ephesians 5:28-31
... and about love it says...
"Love suffers long and is kind; love does not envy; love does not parade itself, is not puffed up; does not behave rudely, does not seek its own, is not provoked, thinks no evil; does not rejoice in iniquity, but rejoices in the truth; bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things." 1 Corinthians 13:4-7
I believe is not hard to see a clear connection between these texts and our "selfless love" discussion. For one to become one flesh with a spouse and for one to truly love, 'not seeking our own' is extremely important. If you have ever fought with your partner or perhaps if you have heard someone complaining about their relationship, bets are you have heard statements such as:
"Is just that he/she doesn't understand me."
"He/she doesn't want to do the things I want to do."
"I need _____ from him/her and he/she is not budging."
...etc... etc... etc...
More often than not, thoughts or complaints such as the one above (or similar ones) can easily be reversed...
"Is just that he/she doesn't understand me." ... ... Well, do you understand him/her?
"He/she doesn't want to do the things I want to do."... Well, do you want to do the things he/she wants to do?
"I need _____ from him/her and he/she is not budging."... Well, do you do give him/her the things he/she needs?
See? Very easy to reverse it. If in a marriage both members would love the way God ask us to love, then many common marriage problems would disappear. If she's always thinking how to better support him, and he is always thinking how to better support her... marriage would be a delight! When couples fight and/or have disagreements, usually at some point one or the other budges and opens up or just apologizes in order to move past the issue. This is something that both members in a marriage can practice and make it a habit to always put themselves in the position of the other and stop thinking about what would best fit or benefit him/her. When it's always the same person budging... problems can start piling up and, potentially, lead to a divorce. Marriage is a two way street and, naturally, being different people raised in different environments, conflicts and disagreements will arise; the key is to love selflessly and know when to let go and budge, and when to stand your grounds.
There are obviously many components that go into selflessly loving someone, but more often than not it boils down to realize that one can't always get his/her own way. Both members in the marriage must have an equal say, both should make/take decisions together, both should support each other, both make financial decisions together... etc. I highlighted the "financial decisions" one because, although we're not discussing finances in this post, another very common cause for divorce are finances. In Puerto Rico we have this say that goes like this: "clear accounts preserve friendships...", meaning, there should be no secrets or fishy financial transactions in a marriage. Both should always be on the same page. This DOES NOT mean that one should always disclose to the other or ask the other permission for every financial transaction, but that overall it is clear where each stands. In my case, my wife and I share one common savings account, and then we each have our own account; we agreed to this arrangement together. I can talk about this some other time... point is, whatever you do in a marriage, do it as a couple, as one single body like the Bible states.
Before moving on, I want to clarify the "stand your grounds" comment. See, some might misinterpret the "selfless love" statement and make it out to mean that one should always please and budge for the other. This is not what it means. In a marriage there are two, and if BOTH would love in a selfless way, then naturally both will realize when it's time to step up, and when is time to step down. Selfless love cannot go just one way... else, the relationship is doomed to "crash and burn".
-----------------------------
Teaching #2: Enjoyment!
The Bible says:
"Live joyfully with the wife whom you love..." - Ecclesiastes 9:9
and...
"Let your fountain be blessed, and rejoice with the wife of your youth..." - Proverbs 5:18
By simple deduction, if men are asked to enjoy life with their wives, wives are asked to enjoy life with their husbands. Very quickly and without getting into much details, I want to make a biochemical explanation... Oxytocin is a hormone usually referred to as the "love hormone". It originates in the brain and is associated, among other things, with the "belly butterflies" one gets when in love. Oxytocin acts like any other drug and alters our system... and like any other drug, after some time the body gets used to its effects therefore certain 'extra' stimulation needs to happen for one to feel again its effects. When a relationship is starting, our bodies are in an all-time high of oxytocin and it explains why we always want to be with, and see, that significant other. As time goes by and we remain with that person, although being with them still causes our brains to release this hormone, we don't feel the effects of it as we used to because our bodies simply 'adjusted' to the new normal... if nothing is done for that hormone to secrete at higher concentrations, things start to go south. It is then when the routine kicks in and when we can potentially begin to feel 'bored' with our partner. The question is, what can we do for those 'belly butterflies' to come back? The answer is in the Bible.
Enjoying and rejoicing with your spouse is the key; as the Bible says. Go out, do new things, explore, travel, play, goof around, do things together, keep a bucket list... there are MANY ( and I do mean MANY) things you can do with your significant other to enjoy life. Living the work-home routine with your spouse and cleaning the house on the weekends won't do much for enjoyment and it will definitely burn out the relationship flame. As mentioned, things like 'lack of commitment' and 'infidelity' feature as some of the most common reasons for divorce... guess what? Enjoying life with your spouse is one of the "vaccines" (metaphor!) against those marriage diseases. When new things and adventures are shared in a marriage, the oxytocin levels are boosted and that magical relationship spark and flame stay alive... in turn, a commitment to each other and the realization that all they need in life is each other is reinstated.
There's a huge misconception, though, when it comes to "enjoying life" in a marriage that we need to expose and crumble. It is the thought that in order to enjoy life, money is needed. There are many things to say about money in a marriage, but saying that it is needed in order to enjoy life together is not one of them. Yes, taking your loved one to Paris or around the world would be fantastic, but that's not what enjoying life together is about. There are many ways to enjoy life with your partner with little-to-no money. From having a movie night, to playing boardgames, to going on a hike, to going to the beach or getting wet in the rain, to baking a pizza at home... the point is not to enjoy life in exotic ways, but to enjoy life! Do things together that are not part of the routine... be silly together! Now, don't give me the excuse that you are mature and some of those things are for children...
"We don't stop playing because we get old... we get old because we stop playing." - Unknown
There's a kid trapped in all of us. I always say that we adults never really mature, but just learn to hide our immatureness. It cannot possibly be more clearly expressed in the Bible. ENJOY LIFE WITH YOUR SPOUSE! It will not only keep the relationship spark alive and strengthen the bond, but it'll just filled you up and help you live a happy life.
-----------------------------
Teaching #3: Sexual Commitment
I've know many people, in particular religious people, that freak out when they hear the word "sex". Many treat 'intimacy' as if it was a taboo or some forbidden topic to be discussed or mentioned in public forums. The reality is that: (1) God created sex for married people - there's nothing unnatural about it, (2) the Bible openly states that intimacy is NEEDED in a marriage, and (3) sharing and committing to sexual intimacy with a spouse is one way to strengthen the relationship as sex, naturally, deeply connects two people. Intimacy is not to be played with as society and media portraits it - is not something to mock or joke about. It was created by God with the purpose of, aside from procreating, bonding a man and a woman together.
This being said, and emphasizing the fact that intimacy is a raw human need, it is no surprise that the lack of sexual intimacy has led (and can lead) to marriages suffering from infidelity, lack of commitment, and just problems in general. Many couples, as you read this post, are struggling with their intimate life, some are going to counseling due to it, and others might even be signing a divorce because of it. We humans crave intimacy, want intimacy, and get very frustrated when those needs aren't met. Of course, God foresaw this being a huge problem in marriages and left us this very self-explanatory verse:
"The wife does not have authority over her own body, but the husband does. And likewise the husband does not have authority over his own body, but the wife does. Do not deprive one another except with consent for a time, that you may give yourselves to fasting and prayer; and come together again so that Satan does not tempt you because of your lack of self-control..." - 1 Corinthians 7:4-5
I'm not sure how else to explain it but... depriving your spouse from intimacy is a terrible thing to do in a marriage. As the verse suggests, one of the biggest issues of depriving one of sexual intimacy is that it automatically exposes that person to Satan's temptations. In a society where sex has been commonly commercialized and exposed in all sorts of ways over the internet and media... temptation can be a very hard thing to overcome. The verse goes further and stated that even if both members in a marriage agree to deprive each other, it should only be for a limited time. Again, God had His reasons to share this with us and I don't think is hard for any of us to see what could be the consequences of such unmet need.
A long time ago, I met a man who shared with me that his wife would "punish" him by deciding not to let him have intimacy with her over long periods of time. Every time there was an argument or disagreement in the marriage, she would decide to deprive him of that benefit. Needless to say... that marriage utterly and completely failed. The guy slowly started to find alternate ways to satisfy that need until he could no longer take it and divorced to marry another woman...
Am I saying that infidelity, or lack of commitment, or marriage issues arise because of intimacy? No. I'm sure there are many couples that have a strong physical connection and share intimacy and still suffer from those issues. I am not saying that intimate commitment is the all-time cure for marriage problems, but I am saying that the lack of it is without a doubt the source of many.
Conclusion
Love, enjoyment and sexual commitment are just 3 of the many things that build a solid marriage. All 3 combined build a part of a solid foundation when it comes to marriage. Being in a marriage is a personal decision and commitment that we take every day; is not and should not be an emotion-driven decision, but through reason. When we marry we take vows, usually in front of men and God, and it is our duty to honor our spouses and ourselves by keeping that word.
All in all, anything we can say we need for a marriage to be successful, boils down to love. If we truly love the way God asks us to love... everything will distill from there. EVERYTHING.
References
Wilkinson and Finkbeiner Attorneys at Law. Divorce Statistics: Over 115 studies, facts and rates for 2020. Retrieved from: https://www.wf-lawyers.com/divorce-statistics-and-facts/
Disclosure: All images used in this post have been licensed either from Adobe Stock or have been obtained from free-to-use license sites.
Comments