Having been raised in a christian home and family, as a kid I found myself spending lots of time in church, church activities, and amongst religious families. Naturally, I made lots of friends in church and grew up amongst them; many of which I still have contact with today... some 20+ years later. As I grew, and as I saw my friends grow, I definitely witnessed and sometimes even experienced the burden some parents or guardians exerted over their kids when it came to religious matters. In many cases, and now as I sit many years later and reflect on how we all turned up, some were so harsh and strict to their convictions, that they forever damaged the relationship that kid had with anything church-related and with Jesus.
Today, some of my friends (which grew up in church with me), don't want anything to do with church. Others are still strong in the faith, and others... we can say are a 50/50. Looking back and reflecting over the parenting styles of their guardians, I can see a pretty distinct correlation between the 'burden' inflicted over them, and the end result many years later. Of course, there could be other factors attributed to the final result, but psychology comes to show that early-life factors and experiences heavily influence a person's life later on. Based purely on observational grounds, in this post I want to share three of the things (yes, there are more) I believe no parent should ever do to their kids when raising them in a christian environment and church. Doing these may very well end in a grown-up that wants nothing to do with religious people or even christianity. Of course, this is not a "this is always the case" case, but having been raised amongst many other kids in church... the trends are evident.
Before entering into a full-discussion, let us summarize the 3 things no kid should experience when growing up in church. Parents/guardians... pay attention:
Not allowing a kid to be a kid in religious settings
Punishing a kid for being a kid in religious settings
The imposition of 'unnecessary' rules in the name of religion or God
These may seem very abstract to you, but I invite you to keep reading. I promise, we'll get more specific than this. Hopefully, you get the idea of what we're trying to discuss here. Before discussing these 'dont's', I do want to discuss a very important 'do'. Let's take from the Bible:
"Train up a child in the way he should go, and when he is old he will not depart from it..." Proverbs 22:6
"Cast your bread upon the waters, for you will find it after many days..." - Ecclesiastes 11:1
In other words... do your work as a parent/guardian; life and God will take care of the rest. A solid early education will go a long way. Raising a child is a HUGE responsibility in front of God and, of course, there's no magic formula or a 'one size fits all' when it comes to raising them. But if there's one thing that's important above all, is to raise them under the fear of the Lord (not fear as in afraid! - fear as in, respecting). With this post I aim to share, hopefully, tips on how not to 'rock the boat' when attempting to do just that. With this... let's talk 'dont's'...
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Thing #1: Let kids be kids!
I my church, there were all sorts of classes for children during the first 1-2 hours of service. Kids would be divided by age ranges and there were classes and activities for kids. At some point, we would all go up to the main church and join our parents for the rest of the service - which lasted about 2-3 more hours. As a kid, along with my friends, we found the first hours in church fun. We got to hang out, do bible-based games, learn about Jesus in a fun way... but then when we would go up, the main service for us was really boring. I'm yet to meet a kid that enjoys sitting through a 90 minutes adult sermon. My mom used to allowed me and my sister to bring simple and quiet games or coloring books or whatever we needed, as kids, to live through the sermon. Of course, she would encourage us to listen but... as a kid you only have a short attention span before you're back into playing mode. As I looked around... other parents had other methods.
The most terrible method... was parents forcing their kids (4,5,6,7,8 years old) to sit up straight and listen to the sermon. Some kids even started crying and their parents would just pull them aside, give them a good smack, and back to the seat. Now, you tell me. Does this sounds like a way you would get your kid to enjoy church days? Probably not. After the church service was over, usually parents would hang out and talk while we, the kids, waited for them. A very fun way of spending time together while we waited for our parents, was to pick up a ball and play catch. Just tossing the ball around. Well, I distinctively remember this gentleman that he was very adamant to forbid us from playing ball because "you couldn't play ball in God's day - it was a sin". Now as an adult, I can genuinely say that was the stupidest thing someone could've said. Back then, we would all be forced to sit down and wait till that guy left church.
I have many other examples, but I think the picture is clear by now. As a parent or guardian, you need to realize that kids will be kids and NEED to be kids. Kids need to play, to socialize, to run, to jump, to throw a ball, to just enjoy that stage that goes away and never comes back... and hey, what better for a kid than to enjoy that phase in a christian environment? In my case, more often than not, I wanted church days to come so I could hang out with my friends and do christian-related activities. Other kids, as expected, didn't quite feel that way. There's a good example of such a situation in the Bible, let's read:
"Then little children were brought to Him that He might put His hands on them and pray, but the disciples rebuked them. But Jesus said, 'Let the little children come to Me, and do not forbid them; for of such is the kingdom of heaven.' And He laid His hands on them and departed from there..." - Matthew 19:13-15
From the context is not hard to imagine that kids were being kids and the disciples got a little annoyed at that. What did Jesus did? He told them to "chill out" and let the kids be around with Him. Kids need to be kids. Of course, there should always be rules and good behavior. For instance, I was not allowed to run or scream, or play loud in church... that was fair. Kids need to learn to be respectful, but what was the harm of a coloring book? or bringing a toy to church and quietly play? None. There is a line between letting a kid be a kid, and letting a kid do as he/she pleases. As a guardian you need to find that line and let them be kids within the margins of those boundaries. Makes sense?
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Thing #2: Don't punish a kid for being a kid!
This 'thing' is very simple to discuss and ties perfectly with our previous discussion. Kids often times have no self-awareness of their behavior/s; also, they are very expressive of their feelings. As I said, I remember seeing parents walk out of church so they could literally 'whoop the kid' for playing or doing something kid-ish in church. Was there need for that...? No. Kids learn often times by association, and if every time they are going to church or hanging out in church/religious settings you're whooping him for no good reason other than them just being kids (again, within the boundaries), then it wouldn't make much of a good memory in that kid's mind, would it?
God's day, church days, fellowship days should be somethings kids look forward to participate in. After all, God is a God of love and happiness. Try and make it so that always the best day, is God's day. When I was a kid, we didn't had much financial resources so sleeping with air conditioning in the room was a luxury we couldn't afford. Despite that, there was one day we would all sleep as a family together with air conditioning... God's day! My mom really went above and beyond to make sure we would look forward for Saturday to come so we can praise God together and have awesome family memories. Try it too. It would not only positively impact your kid/s life, but yours too. Looking back now and remembering as a family, all three of us (mom, sister me) smile and share anecdotes of the things we did together I church, amongst church friends and as a family... all with God at the center 😃✅
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Things #3: Don't impose rules in the name of religion or God!
This 'thing' is a very important thing to keep in mind; especially as your kid/s begin to approach the "teen" years... when they want to be cool. There are such things as direct laws from God, and then straight-up men rules attributed to God. Discerning some from the others are critical when raising a kid. I don't who or when did it start, but someone at some point decided it would be a good idea to forbid things in the name of religion and God. Well... it wasn't.
Let me tell you what it is that I'm talking about; perhaps you've either experienced it, done it, or seen it. I've seen a insurmountable amount of times parents or guardians use a set of rules such as, or very similar, to the ones below:
It is not good for christians to listen secular music
It is not good for christians to watch secular movies
It is not good for christians to play video games
...not good for christians to party
...not good for christians to have secular friends
...not good for christians to...
...
...
Ring a bell? I can't even begin to number the times I heard from my friends things like: "I can't do anything in life because of God" or "I can't do anything as a christian" or "I would've been better off not being a christian..."; and I'm talking kids 10-15 years old. Don't link your parenting rules with responsibilities as a christian. Yes, often times they converge, but understand that it is not always the best to impose, but TEACH. Make them understand what would be the best for a christian to do, but give some freedom to your kid to rationalize and make a choice. I believe God's promises and in the Bible we read:
"Do not be deceived, God is not mocked; for whatever a man sows, that he will also reap..."- Galatians 6:7
Which means that He's got you! Sow goodness, and you'll reap it. It might not be right away, but the seed would be there. Constantly forbidding kids from doing certain things because "God says so" can create a huge rejection mindset towards christianity and church in a kid's mind. I've seen it happening and is a real problem. If you don't want your kid to do certain things because those are your rules, then great. So be it. Just don't say to your kid that they can't do it because they'll be sinning against God or something along those lines.
"And you, fathers, do not provoke your children to wrath, but bring them up in the training and admonition of the Lord." - Ephesians 6:4
When I was a kid, if there was something my mom completely forbid me from having, was a gun (obviously a toy gun). My mom never wanted me to have a toy that even remotely resembled a gun because guns were not a 'christian' thing to have. "Christian kids don't play with guns"... she used to say. Can you take a wild guess at what was the first thing I bought when I had my own money? You got it, a gun. A BB gun. For many years I disliked being a christian just because I couldn't play with a gun; I know, very silly. That's the point though, kids are silly! They want to explore... and you know what, once I got my BB gun, then I got a paintball, and eventually I grew tired of guns and didn't want to have them anymore. Deep down inside, the desire to have it just because I couldn't just grew out of control... once I had it, it just faded away.
Jesus is the only one that can truly transform the heart, mind, and being. There are many things that I now don't do because naturally I've outgrown them and learn there are not beneficial to me; living a life far from certain things because I know help my relationship with God is more important to me. Back when I was young, however, I was a rebel (like most kids)... I listened to rock music, I got my ears pierced, I dressed crazy, did things I'm not proud of... As years went by and those seeds my mom put in me about Jesus began to grow, I naturally stopped listening to music, then I took my piercings off, I dressed more normal... etc. Without nobody imposing rules on me, I naturally chose that lifestyle and it wasn't even a pain to leave that lifestyle behind. It felt very easy to let go... something inside me was changing me... Jesus.
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Conclusion:
Of course, there are many other things parents should not do when raising kids in a christian environment and church, but we'll leave those for another occasion. Feel free to contact us should you want to further discuss! Three things we discussed you should, as a parent/guardian, always keep in mind: (1) let your kids be kids, (2) don't punish them for being kids, (3) don't impose rules in the name of God or religion. We've discussed all of these, of course, within the boundaries of a christian/church setting. All points to the fact that kids need to see Jesus as a friend, as the beautiful Being He is and they should feel excited and looking forward to church days. Is an adventure that will change their lives, and yours, for the good. Remember, true change in any human's mind comes from Jesus. Only He can transform a human for the better, forever.
Thank you so much for being here with me, God Bless You, and until next one.
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